Trust is one of the foundational pieces which need to be in place for a stable, lasting and secure relationship to flourish. In fact trust is the very cornerstone of any intimate partnership where two people are going to be vulnerable and open with one another in a meaningful way, so that love and togetherness can flourish. Couples counselling is a positive support in a safe, non-judgmental space with a trained professional who can help you find your way.
So how can two people build trust?
Here are some of the key qualities you will need to have in place in order for trust to be established:
Honesty. This is one of the keys to making your relationship work. This means being very honest with yourself, first and foremost. What is it you are looking for in a partner? What are your values? How well does the person you are in a relationship with match with your values and desires? If the person is not a good fit for you, don’t stay in the relationship because you’d rather not be alone! If you do this, you are not being honest. You are not being true to yourself, and you are not being fair to them. Instead, find someone who can be in alignment with your own values: It’s much easier.
Open Communication. Honesty also means being able to “speak your truth”. There is an art to expressing yourself in a way which is not damaging to, insulting, or blaming your partner. Learning how to communicate clearly and respectfully and make requests instead of demands is a skill which can be learned and one which I can teach you.
Turning towards one another. When your partner makes a “bid for your affection”, practise turning towards them, not away. Even if they just say “Hey, look at this!”, a simple look and acknowledgment, perhaps by a nod of the head, is really all that is needed! Don’t ignore your partners bids for affection and don’t hang on to past hurts when they make such a bid.
Respect. Learning how to be respectful can be of benefit in all of your friendships and professional relationships. Here are some beginning tips on being respectful: Listening to your partner is worth its weight in gold! Give them your full attention when they have something to say. Put your phone away! Look them in the eyes and affirm you are listening with a small nod of the head, an “Mm hmm” or other signal that you are present to them. Speaking in a kind and gentle tone is a sign of respect. Saying “Please” and “Thankyou” are signs of respect. Respect your partner’s “No”.
Transparency. Being accountable, honest and transparent goes a long way to building trust. If you say you are going to be somewhere at a certain time, then be there at the appointed time. If you do this consistently, your partner knows that she or he can trust your word. Honesty is a big part of being transparent. it menas you have nothing to hide and that you are not going to play games.
Commitment. If you are not into monogamy then say so at the outset. Don’t lead someone on. If you don’t want a committed relationship and you are not willing to be honest, transparent and sincere, you can not have your partner’s trust. Your partner will always sense something is off. Building a trusting, loving relationship requires commitment.
Safety. By having honesty, transparency, sincerity, clear and open communication, respect and ultimately commitment, you will go along way towards building safety in the relationship. And safety is the key to intimacy and vulnerability.
Availability. How available are you? If you are constantly busy with work, trips away from home, or busy on your cell phone or doing activities that don’t include your partner, how available are you really being? What is it you might in fact being avoiding? Do you genuinely value your partner and this relationship? You could also be suffering from intimacy issues which might also need exploring and overcoming.
Here are three questions to consider:
Do I make it safe for my partner to be open with me?
Do I witness my partner’s vulnerability as a trust that I do not abuse?
Am I gentle and respecftul with the key my partner gave me?
Contact me for more information about couples counselling and what it entails, or to chat about therapy options for you and your partner.