Communication can be a minefield!
Do you find yourself clamming up or shutting down because you just want to keep the peace? But inside you are sitting on layers of unexpressed feelings?
Do you have difficulty saying “No”, and eventually find yourself feeling resentful?
Does your partner get defensive?
Do you end up arguing about the same old things, over and over again?
Does anger get in the way of your giving and receiving love?
Are you longing for peace and harmony in your relationship, but you find you’re feeling irritable and isolated more often than not?
If this sounds like you, then you would almost certainly benefit from learning some healthier ways to communicate which can not only lead to a greater connection with your partner, but also increase intimacy, build trust and generally improve the quality of your relationship.
The good news is that communication skills can be learned and can be a great addition to your relationship skills. Communication skills are quite easy to learn; however they take a lifetime to perfect! But you can find yourself having great results very quickly, once you know what to do and what not to do.
Here is an outline of how to improve communication skills:
When you are disussing an issue, stick to the facts only. No embellishing, no evaluating and no judging or criticising. Judging and criticising are going to make your partner feel defensive. So as an example, if someone is wearing a red hat, you call it a “red hat” not a “ghastly bloody coloured boat of a thing”. Of course I am exaggerating wildly but hopefully you get my point.
Use a soft start up. This means, after you have described the facts, and nothing but the facts, you use the little magic word, “I”. DON’T say “You”. “You” will immediately put your partner on the defensive as he or she will feel attacked.
After the magic little word, add a feeling word. Say “I feel hurt”, or “I feel sad”, for example.
Then you explain what you are longing for underneath the feeling. Like “I really need some time to think”, or, “I really need to have fun!”
Lastly you can make a request of your partner. Make it specific and doable. For example", “Would you be willing to go for a walk with me at 3pm on Saturday?”
So a whole scenario might run something like this:
“When you leave your cloethes on the floor I feel dismayed and disappointed because I really value harmony, order, beauty and peace in our home. Would you be willing to throw them in the laundry or put them away from now on?”
There are other skills which can be learned to enhance communication. These include being present when your partner is talking. This means looking straight at your partner, nodding slightly just to acknowledge that you are following what they are saying. You can also really pay attention to what they are saying and reflect back what you just heard them say so that they are more likely to feel heard, validated and supported. this in itself can build trust and intimacy.
Try not to interrupt. Ask questions to learn more about a situation. Try to learn as much as you can so you can really start to understand. Asking “open” questions leads to more communication rather than “closed” questions which lead to a simple “Yes” or “No” answer and tend to shut the conversation down.
This is just a taste of how to improve your communication skills in your relationship. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions, or if you would like to discuss the possibility of working together, whether for couples counselling or individual sessions.
Good communication skills take practice